Reality is as thin as paper and betrays with all its cracks its imitative nature


Is this thing I’m making a fiction journal? Is it a thing about fighting lymphoma now? I do not know.

Lymphoma. I wrote that down, just the word and barely legible, inside the front cover of my black and white one-subject notebook. It is not a difficult word, no – it is hardly even deserving of a place in my notebook – and one ought to remember it, or to be able to remember it, either intentionally or inadvertently, it would make no great difference to me which.

“One ought.”

“One ought.”

Who talks like that?

After all that lymphoma has done to me, I really ought to remember its name. One ought to. I do not. Cannot. When pressed for the name of what is causing problems for me, I check the inside the front cover of my black and white one-subject notebook.

Lymphoma.

The rest of the time, I learn how to swallow, how to walk, and how to cook, or I write a story about people gathered around a twinkling, five-pointed fallen star that is sticking up out of the ground and granting wishes, maybe.

I’m not sure what this thing I’m making is but it is the thing that I’m making.


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“Reality is as thin as paper and betrays with all its cracks its imitative nature” is a Bruno Schulz quote.

Comments

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your lymphoma. Your words are beautiful.

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    1. All signs are good right now. They tested my spinal fluid recently, and it was clear of malignant cells. I'm hopeful.

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  2. I like the symbolism of the "black and white one-subject notebook." Dealing with a serious illness does strip life right down to the basics, doesn't it.

    And what are you doing in that photo? Making sandwiches? As therapy goes, that could be both helpful and tasty. Unless you've still got that stomach tube in. Then, just helpful.

    Sending good vibes your way, Harry.

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    1. I'm Making a meat lovers sandwich roll for my parents which, no, I cannot eat. But it keeps me busy.

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  3. It's a word that SHOULD be forgotten...it doesn't deserve a place in the human language. When you've beaten the miserable thing into submission...burn the book....and never remember the name again. Virtual hugs for you Harry. Only good thoughts are being held for you.

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    1. Thanks. All signs are good right now and I definitely feel better than I look. We'll see, but optimism is high.

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  4. I've felt the same way about both the heart condition that hit me back in August and the genetic mutation that caused it.

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    1. I want to move on, but that doesn't seem entirely possible until I resolve a few of my issues. I suppose a lot of people feel like this when faced with these, um, challenges.

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  5. Yay! Harry posted again!
    My notebook has a dark blue cover, and the first page has a badly distorted cartoon drawing of a lopsided head beneath the words "STROKE: my right brain cell has thrown a fit."
    The Google says the some folks make it back from lymphoma.
    Here's hoping that you are one of them.

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    1. Among the many places it popped up, I have some in my spinal fluid. Had. Had. As of this week, I am clear of malignant lymphoma in my spinal fluid. So that's something.

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  6. Glad to see your name after time. Sorry that you have to face down that dragon. Saying the name is a way of facing reality, do battle.

    My brother Robert had: angioplastic astrocytoma, an unstoppable brain tumor. I spoke those words over and over throughout his illness. Somehow it helped me.

    "I’m not sure what this thing I’m making is but it is the thing that I’m making." well said.

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    1. People face down amazing things. I know I'm not the first or last.

      I'm looking over doctor's notes right now (short term disability paperwork), and it starts with this chilling explanation: “Admitted to ICU dying with Burkitt Lymphoma Stage IV B and Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytic Syndrome. These two conditions are usually fatal.”

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    2. Whoa. I know Dr. must write such truth, but it is brutal.

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    3. I'm not sure I was supposed to see it. It makes me feel like that much more of a survivor, sitting here today.

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  7. It doesn't have to be anything. And it is everything on the days it grabs a body by the short hairs (or by the scalp). I, too, name my unwelcome body-guest on paper. I, too, wonder about its nature and wants. I, too, write it aloud (sometimes) "Breast Cancer" that eater of flesh and time and so many other things, that bastard I won't let take more than I must give in order to breathe and journal.

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    1. We all have our challenges. Life is not a kind thing, generally, I have decided. I'm hoping I will come out of this a more interesting person. Beckett wasn't a "real" writer until he lived out the war in France and Burroughs had to go through the murder thing. I hate to resort to cliche, but horrible shit makes good writers.

      Not sure it's worth it, but hell...

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  8. That's a very serious word; Lymphoma. Where I used to live, my across the street neighbor found out he had Lymphoma when he broke a bone in his spine while getting out of bed. That was 6 years ago. Though he is still wheelchair bound and has lost nearly 200 lbs.(Kevin was 6'7" and weighed over 400), he is in remission because of a gene-therapy breakthrough a couple of years ago. I wish the same for you, Harry, and "a blessing of all things good". Gird your loins and fight. Beat that fucker down! We are all rooting for you and we all love you.
    bj in CO

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    1. Except for the problems with my eyes, I seem to be having best-case scenarios at every turn. I am fortunate to be here typing, based on what the doctors have said. Maybe I won't be here this time next year. I'm paying attention to the time I have.

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  9. Sending good vibes your way Harry. Not sure if you have a faith in God, but I do so I'm praying for you. I hope that's okay?

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    1. I am... hmmm. A dynamic agnostic. But I've been more than happy to have people pray for me as of late. It's all appreciated...

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  10. I am glad to read you are surrounded by Love here.

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    1. Doing better, and I'm glad I have the blog people for encouragement. Everyone seems to have been through their own hard times. This isn't new.

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  11. Serious problems with your physical side must also stress the mental side. I don't understand the workings of the treatments but some people do survive cancer for many years. I do wonder if the internet's large amount of information helps or hurts. I recently read an interesting (I can understand you NOT being interested since you might want a distraction) article about cancer treatment in Wired titled "The Darwin Treatment". Wishing you all the best.

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    1. Hey there, Bill! I was home for over a week and got to feeling great. Books, blu rays, writing. No complaints. I'm back for chemo for a few days now and not feeling so well. I suppose I should educate myself on what id happening to me, but I feel in some ways, the less I know about some of what is going on, the better.

      New post in the next few days!

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  12. Hey Harry! Sending you love and hugs. When I'm at the retreat this weekend, I will be sending you prayers!

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    1. Thank you, Stacy! Hope you have a fantastic and rewarding weekend.

      I'm getting by, sort of day by day. Things have changed for me, a lot, but I have a lot of great support.

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  13. Was reading this during morning devotion: Romans 8: 18-27

    In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

    Footnotes:

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    1. "We do not know what we ought to pray for." I like that quote. I'm more and more comfortable with the idea of not having the answers and not being the one who is in control of everything. There was a time, not long ago, when I couldn't have said that. It's amazing how one event can change so much in the way we function and what we're open to.

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