A mapp shewing the order & causes of salvation & damnation

Veva Purvious is single again but I remember the time she was getting married and I went to the engagement party at this restaurant somewhere and it was me and it was Veva Purvious and her then-fiancé, Sid, plus a lot of strangers, too. And I walked in and when I walked in, Veva said, “Shut up, everybody!” and she shook me by the shoulders and she said, “This is Sid’s competition!”

It was awkward.

Five years later, rumor has it Sid asked some pointed questions about me after the divorce had been filed and that would have been awkward, too, only I was not present.

People treat me like there’s something gone wrong because I’m not in a relationship, because I’m not seeking a relationship, not with anybody, not even after so very many years after Jamie’s gone. They call me broken or numb or hiding. I hear this. But what’s wrong is that I was in constant relationships – a very nearly constant string of relationships – stretching out interminably off across the prairie like lemmings going over a cliff, from 1988 to 2012, and I ask what was wrong with me back then that I felt some compulsion to always be like that?

No more.

In an otherwise empty movie theater on Thursday, Veva Purvious placed her head upon my right shoulder for exactly two seconds and only two seconds. I’m not sure. Maybe it was the boniness of the shoulder itself. Maybe after two seconds it was discovered that the movie, which was Glass, simply possessed the wrong tone for that or something. Maybe, probably, it was the vibe I emit, that infamous vibe which instantly alerts all but the most critically mentally ill that I am not to be touched.

I quit drinking and I quit smoking and I quit obsessing over this blog and that’s changed how my head works. Maybe for the better. Maybe for the worse. Maybe I’ve lost who I was.

I look at the sky now. I talk to people. I even threw out all my clothes from the Jamie Era – the whole worn-out, food-stained, deodorant-stained lot of them. Still I’m not sure I’ll ever wish to date again. I mean, life surprises me sometimes. A lot of time.

These sentences do not add up to anything. I have no idea what it was that I set out here to say. Yet.


***NOTE: Veva Purvious was introduced on this blog in “Night Anthems of a Ghoul” in October 2017. I’m using the same partial photo of her and the same youtube clip this time as I did back then. I’m not entirely sure why.***

Comments

  1. Life's not a picture that you look at. It's a thousand puzzle pieces, and sometimes it takes a long, long time before you can put enough pieces together to see what it is.

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    1. That's probably right and even then, it's only in retrospect that it makes sense. I'm consistently amazed on how I manage to create a story out of my past based on loose strands of a life that made no sense while they were happening.

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  2. Sounds like Veva Purvious is trying to rekindle the flame. Good thing you got that bony shoulder and that "don't touch me" vibe. She had her chance and picked Sid. SID!

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    1. She's the only person I know out here in meatspace that reads my blog. About 30 minutes after I posted this, she texted me that it WAS the bony shoulder and something about the seats.

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  3. Veva Purvious sounds good to be around, and sometimes that's a good thing in and of itself.
    My credibility on that subject may be near an all time low, but on the other hand I am almost never anxious or bothered by it.
    So I won't try to act like I have anything useful to say on the subject, because I just don't.
    Freddie Mercury said in one of his songs that "there's no way it has to be" and that's a good enough reason not to take anything I say seriously because who would take romantic advice from a pop song, even an altogether excellent pop song such as "It's Late" by Queen?
    And I think Brian May wrote it, so maybe Freddie wasn't that big into the idea anyway...
    See what I mean? My observations on this topic are usually less that worthless and should be disregarded by any thinking human.
    Sorry.

    -Doug in Oakland

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    1. After my last breakup, I was talking to my ex from college and she said, "Maybe you can just be alone for a while," and it revolutionized my thinking. I don't know why I had never thought of it before.

      I know there's no one right way to live. "No way it has to be." So what the hell was wrong with me?

      I don't know.

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  4. You don't need a relationship to be not wrong. Also, bony shoulders are concrete and comforting, at least to me.

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    1. You know, I've been in TWO ten-year relationships. I know I'm bad at it. Seems like enough to go on to know I'm saving everyone a lot of trouble.

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  5. You are doing so well with your committment to going stark raving sober.Maybe you are just starting to get to know yourself again and there isn't room for any other relationships right now.

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    1. They say not to get into a relationship during the first thirty days sober, don't they? I know I can't keep a plant alive while drunk or sober, but the cat seems to be doing pretty well. It's all coming together.

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  6. Some people look at me funny when they find out how long I've been in my relationship. Surely I should be on number 2 or 3? Who wrote the bloody rules anyway?

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    1. That seems fortunate and like it saves a lot of pain, heartache, and wasted time.

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  7. Though not necessary it is more fulfilling having someone to say "I told you so." after you make the mistake. A matter of preference. Alone can be good too. If you're alone with yourself.
    Beej in TN

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    1. Having someone to make calls to the landlord, or drive when I'm feeling irritable, or do 50% of the things I hate doing, sounds great sometimes.

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  8. Maybe there was simply a chip of glass which you were carrying around on your shoulder.

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    1. Having a glass chip on my shoulder sounds better than my being a cold jerk that shrinks from human contact, I suppose.

      I guess I don't care either way, but some things are socially unacceptable.

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  9. "Maybe I’ve lost who I was."
    Maybe you are finding who you really are?

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    1. Wouldn't that be nice? It seems like I never get a handle on anything about myself until that part of my life is over.

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  10. When we give up lots of things (Booze, fags, sex, food, bad relationships etc) it takes a while to find ourselves again. I can relate in a different way. In the last 5 years I lost my Dad, my abusive mother (fading away in a home), both my daughters, and a partner I hardly see. I now have freedom to do what I want. So I sit at a computer watching Youtube clips eating more than I should. I feel I've lost who I was too, because who I was based on the things I've just mentioned. Now I need to find myself again. You do too. We'll get there.

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    1. I've thought about that: We're each made up of just so many big moving parts and I wonder how many we can lose or replace before we've lost who we are. It's like the old thing about the broom: If the handle is replaced today and the brush next week, is it still the same broom?

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  11. Being alone is an important part of a creative life journey - which doesn't always mean being single, but having enough space to be yourself and evolve. You and your shoulders might need to be alone for now - but it can be good to know that someone feels like getting close.

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    1. A few smart people have speculated that when people - especially guys - get into serious relationships too young, it stifles their development. That might be a problem for me. I don't know. I do know I can call the cable company when the cable goes out now all by myself, and never could before.

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  12. Veva missed out, but it was her choice. I will have a choice soon, too, but that will have to wait a few more months. I look forward to my alone time because I almost forgot that I like me.

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    1. That sounds promising!

      I have lots of alone time, but when I drank, I often got bored and so drank more. Now I don't seem to have enough hours in the day to do the things I want to do. Most of which involves reading, but still...

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  13. Maybe Veva thought her skull or cheekbone or whatever bit she put on your shoulder was too hard. And she moved it away before the bone to boniness contact created serious problem. Dating is like that thing about drinking 8 glasses of water a day--it only works for the people who need 8 glasses of water a day, some of us do rather well with a lot less, others need gallons. I am so glad the sky is getting some eyeball action.

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    1. I am pretty much on board with the idea that not everyone is the same so far as what their lives require. In theory, I definitely am. I mean, I'd better be, seeing as how I don't have any of the status symbols people work for.

      But sometimes, I still worry about being alone forever or dying alone.

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  14. 🙂 Apparently, Veva was vulnerable for the period of two seconds.

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    1. Haha. Yes, and well, if people can feel comfortable around me for 2 seconds, it means I'm doing much, much better at pretending to be human.

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