Total independence to zero independence. Now I
can remember waking up, my face pressed, too hard probably, up against a bed
railing (plastic). And what I can only assume to be a tube down my throat and I
cannot speak.
And “Okay,
Mister Hamid, we’re going to roll you over onto your left side now, okay?” And a silver bar, a light, and an IV tube, and
then two hands pressing me, too hard probably, up against the other side bed
railing (plastic). And two more hands washing me, my back and ass and legs, though
I don’t like anyone touching me at all.
Zero independence but I don’t like anyone touching
me at all. Given my situation, what can I do about it but shrug?
If I were able to shrug, I mean.
I'm glad I met you.
ReplyDeleteWhen this all started happening a few weeks ago, my brother started contacting people he thought I'd want contacted, including online people. He somehow missed you, though, Rupert. Not a big deal - I believe everyone thought I was going to die and I did not. But I still wish he had.
DeleteI hate hospitals. For patients, they can be so impersonal.
ReplyDeleteI'm told I might get out in another week or so. I'm chomping at the bit.
DeleteNothing more humiliating than having your arse washed by strangers. Glad you are still alive.
ReplyDeleteOh wow I fought against it when I woke up. At a certain point, I knew there was nothing I could do, but it went so far against my basic programming!
DeleteIt's no fun this - one feels totally loss of decision and control.
ReplyDeleteToday was a really rough day and I had to reply on a lot of people. I'll accept this because I have no choice.
DeleteMay you recover your independence soon....very soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I can read and write. Can't make it to the toilet, though, even all these weeks in to this.
DeleteI also do not covet being touched.....well, in some ways. Though I will say when I was hospitalized (well, one of the times), day 7, a nurse came in during 3rd shift (I was wide awake......still) and offered , nay just did, a back rub for me. Being bed bound, it was possibly one of the best moments of my life up till then. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteYeah, nurses can be pretty great. I got a sponge bath this morning.
DeleteYay! Harry posted again!
ReplyDeleteNever been in ICU, but spent 20 days in the stroke ward at Summit in Oakland. It is definitely hard to get used to all of the things they do for you in a hospital, but they begin to make a certain sense after a while, and then some of the kinder ones begin to stand out.
After I was shipped off to rehab I told myself that I was gonna go back and visit the team at Summit that put me back together when I had recovered enough to walk in and say hi and thank you, but I never got around to doing it, and now they've moved to a brand-new building.
I thought of you this evening when, while enjoying good internet again, I came across a video of Steve Hackett at the Albert Hall playing Supper's Ready, and found it surprisingly good.
Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
-Doug in Oakland
I might be leaving the hospital on Friday! I will be staying with my folks for a while since my house isn't practical in my current condition.
DeleteAnyway, I'd like to believe I'll go back and visit the staff, but I probably won't.
Here's another little hospital story that you may or may not relate to:
DeleteIn rehab, we had a "time management" class, where they try to teach you how to not do the things that got you there in the first place.
When they asked me how I planned to stay clean and sober (in front of the class) I said that should I be tempted to get high again, I would just make myself remember the time between my stroke and the time I was cleared for toilet transfers (thank you, Gina!) and I was sure the temptation would pass.
As it turned out, there wasn't any temptation at all, so it never became an issue.
I hope you are adjusting to life outside the hospital OK.
It doesn't seem like it should be, but that is way harder than it sounds.
-Doug in Oakland
Hey, if nothing else, being in the hospital has been a surefire way not to drink and smoke.
DeleteI know that in time you'll be independent again. Keep on being strong and brave!
ReplyDeleteThanks! It's going to take more time, but I'm making my peace with that. I want to get back to work. Doctors say it'll be at least 5 months before I'm back at anything close to full capacity.
DeleteYeah, what Debra sez! While I was reading of you being washed against your will my wandering thoughts went to Richard Pryor's bit on his recovery AFTER ... he "got burnt up in a fire". You'll grit this thing out and be hangin' (too far) out of that window again before long. I want to give a shout out to Jeff for the being the kinda brother a guy needs. I'm okay with both my sisters 'n all ... but for a guy, it ain't like having a BROTHER! Props to YOU and your Brother, Brother.
ReplyDeletebeej in CO
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2h6gtt
DeleteMy mom is in my hospital room right now, so I'm going to wait to listen to the Richard Pryor clip.
DeleteBut yeah, Jeff's been pretty great.
Better washed than stinky, probably? I am a care worker and expert butt washer, and through that I have learned to accept the willingness of strangers to keep a person clean. The social weirdness is sometimes easier to adjust to than the loss of independence. May the fortitude be with you.
ReplyDeleteI've adjusted, a little. It was tough at first in part because I didn't understand what had happened, I had a tube down my throat, and was coming out of sedation. IT's gotten easier.
DeleteI'm glad people exist who can help us sickies out.
You sickies teach us great humility, empathy, and a weird bond that comes down to life having a drive to help life in the direst circumstances. I am gladdened to read you have a positive prognosis. Well wishes from a little corner of Cornwall :-)
DeleteI have returned home and I'm currently catching up on my reading and writing. Oh, and learning to walk and swallow again.
DeleteSending you much love, Harry.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It is appreciated.
DeleteHaving to let others do for us things we feel and want to do for ourselves is... hard. But it gets a bit easier. I'm not saying that one will eventually be all cool about all the touching and lack of self-dependence, but... that we learn to do what we must. As I know you are. Then, soon, we are back to bouncing or running around our favorite park or holding conversations with our cats... just like we used to.
ReplyDeleteWhen I couldn't move, I used to tell myself stories. I would repeat them over and over in my head, until they were almost memorized. Then I wrote them... It wasn't always entertaining, but it kept me busy (especially when other people were doing things I wasn't particularly crazy about).
I sort of had hopes that I could use this time to come up with stories, but that's not how it's worked out so far, for the most part. But I've got time before I go back to work.
DeleteKeep going Harry! I know you'll do it! I remember being in the hospital! Not fun! I figure now, everyone has seen me at my worst, I don't have to be shy! LOL! Big Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHi, Stacy. Yeah, and it's useless to fight it, too. I woke up in the hospital after being sedated for days. Human beings have to be cleaned and have to use the restroom. I couldn't pretend otherwise.
DeleteTo be in the care totally for everything is indescribable. My nephew, at age 9, was in hospital for over a month following brain surgery. Thankfully he doesn't remember it (drugs), but his parents remember every single moment.
ReplyDeleteI see the kids who are here in the hospital and I stop feeling so sorry for myself... although really, I'm pretty good about not feeling sorry for myself even when there are no kids around...
DeleteI don't remember much of my time in the ICU. That's a good thing, from what I understand.