Sunday, March 12, 2017

We never saw it coming

Tiny cars are our problem. Tiny. Each car tinier than the last. Unnerving.

I see them in their smallness. Out in the streets. It is a wonder I do not crash my car in all my staring.

Question: How is it that a person – an average-sized human person with average-sized human hands, average-sized human legs, and a torso of sufficient dimensions to hold heart and lungs and gall bladder – could, with the laws of physics being what they are, fold into such a thimble?

Answer: They can’t. It simply cannot be done, the laws of physics being what they are. I have the charts to prove it. The grids. The equations. I have binder after binder of research. Affidavits from world-renowned geometricians.

It cannot be done and yet, driving down the road today (always down the road, for I have yet to witness one going up the slightest incline) I look over and into the next lane and I see a matchbox car with an average-sized human head poking up behind the steering wheel.

Impossible!

The head fills the entirety of the interior!

Hypothesis (though admittedly less than fully-formed): We are invaded. The invaders have come with their tiny cars and their (more or less) average-sized human heads with miniscule bodies. Or perhaps no bodies at all but mere tentacles sprouting just below the neck. Flagella, really.

Question: Have you seen a person, an honest-to-God human person, like your boss, your drug dealer, or your great uncle Charlie, climbing out from inside one of these tiny, tiny cars?

Answer: No, you haven’t. No, you won’t.

Tiny cars are our problem. An evil has arrived unnoticed. Perhaps – perhaps! – they have come from out in the stars or from some dimension a hair’s breath away or from inside the Earth itself, where they’ve been biding their time and waiting for oh-so-long.

Question: But waiting for what? 

50 comments:

  1. "An evil" you say? I can't accept that. Tiny cars produce tiny pollution, as opposed to our regular and big cars that produce regular and big pollution. We need more tiny people in tiny cars, for they are the ones who will save us from our own eco-planetary destruction.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But who cares about the environment if there's an alien invasion?

      I played it as politically correct as I could manage with this week's wholly frivolous blog post. I even said "average-sized" as opposed to "normal-sized."

      Delete
  2. Tiny salaries might have something to do with it 😉

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 50 miles a gallon in the city is a good reason, too, I've heard.

      Delete
  3. My brother was 6'5" and 230 lbs. and he drove an Austin-Healy Bugeye Sprite for a couple of years, and watching him climb out of it was amusing, but not as funny as watching my racing partner, who is 6'10" get out of his sister's Triumph GT-6.

    -Doug in Oakland

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 6'10"!

      I had a friend who was (and probably still is) 6'9", and it's a weird experience to be talking to someone and only be chest-high.

      I grew up driving mid-sized trucks, so anything smaller feels a bit like a skateboard.

      Delete
    2. I had a similar feeling after driving 20' delivery trucks for a living for years.

      -Doug in Oakland

      Delete
  4. Alright, fine, I'm going to reveal my secret to you. This wasn't how I was planning to do it, but since I'm backed into a corner, I guess I have no choice.

    I'm actually 18 inches tall.

    And you know what? I like that they finally make cars that can accommodate my size. It's why I look normal when I drive my little electric car. Feel normal, even. And yes, it's hurtful when you call it a Barbie Power Wheels or a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe.

    So, so hurtful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn. Do you disable HTML in comments? I put some fantastic home-drawn pictures in that comment, and I'm bummed to not see them there.

      Delete
    2. I failed in my attempt to approve your comment in mdoration, which led to... well, I deleted it and then tried to recreate it from scratch.

      However, here are the pictures (I hope):
      [im]http://i.imgur.com/uaAGssu.jpg[/im]
      [im]http://i.imgur.com/ofb0kEa.jpg [/im]

      Delete
    3. If you want the code that embeds images like we have on ours (using the im tags), let me know. It's a custom thing, but very easy to implement. Outside of that, Blogger only lets you embed links through HTML. Like this.

      http://i.imgur.com/uaAGssu.jpg
      http://i.imgur.com/ofb0kEa.jpg

      Delete
    4. Thanks. I didn't want to pass up the chance to get an original aBftS on my page.

      In my defense, the last time took a computer class, Windows 95 was still two years in the future...

      Delete
  5. I drive a Yaris, which is a small car but still huge compared to those Upholstered Roller Skates you're talking about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost bought a Scion last year, and some of them are pretty small.

      I just get nervous seeing them on the freeway when they look as though I could lift one up by myself.

      Delete
  6. Yesterday, or was it the day before, I was driving behind a car which I decided immediately was the ugliest car I'd ever seen. A Nissan Cube. The person who invented that should be shot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are the ones that look like microwave ovens, with a back window that curves around one side but not the other, right?

      Horrifying. I have a client who says it's the greatest car he's ever owned.

      Delete
    2. Beautifully described, it's a microwave on wheels!

      Your client must have owned a Smart car before the Cube then?

      Delete
  7. Craze its a crazy,superb story,mystical and magical.I enjoyed every line ,ha ha its fun to read this.Here after whenever i see a tiny car i would remember ur writing and suspect them as humanoid aliens.Hmm sometimes i suspect u too belong to a alien species ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Arun. It's just a silly one, but some variety is good for everyone.

      Delete
  8. When I was in high school the strongest guys would carry an Austin Mini into the cafeteria. It was tradition. I wonder if they still do that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... It sounds like the kind of thing that guys would still do, where possible, yeah.

      Delete
  9. I have a terrible secret to tell you.

    Those aren't cars at all. They're literal living alien mechanoids from the depths of Lignus XXIII, here to stealth colonise our planet. The car disguise is just a body covering, like a dress.

    Or maybe they're Russians. That's an idea too.

    Either way, for telling you this, I shall be punisheeeeeeeeeeEEEEEE...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I saw a movie about this. But the Autobots always win, in the end.

      Either way, I appreciate your putting your life at risk to tell me this!

      Delete
  10. My realtor drove a tiny car and she was overtly, grotesquely large. This may play into your hypothesis. Maybe I should have tried to peel off her facade to reveal her lizard face. Though, I am also ghastly, astoundingly large and empathize with anyone who is limited by their height. So, I let her go in her tiny car. Should I have thrown a moletov cocktail at her car after the house closing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just warning everyone; I don't have the answers regarding how this invasion should be handled.

      Incidentally, after I wrote this one, I read through it and realized it sounded vaguely Pickleopian.

      That's disconcerting.

      Delete
  11. I suspect they are waiting for the perfect moment to snatch our bodies and keep them for themselves. Then they will attached them to their normal-sized heads and proceed to steal our normal-sized cars... Although, well, I have a MINI. Now I must begin to wonders... am I a hybrid? Was my body snatched already? Is my head looking guilty?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I have several commenters here who own tiny cars.

      Maybe it's just a Texas thing that I don't know any in my day-to-day life.

      Maybe it's like anything else: If I actually KNEW someone lived a small-car lifestyle, I wouldn't be so afraid of them!

      Delete
  12. I was in Europe several years ago and had this same observation! They could park perpendicular to other cars and have room to spare. I recalled the words of Scotty when he told Captain Kirk, "I cannagh change the laws of physics, Captain!" And he was right. How is it even possible to allow something that small in Texas? Isn't it against some kind of moral code?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My parents went to Italy several years ago and told me of such things. This was before the invasion hit America.

      Maybe small things just scare me generally.

      Delete
  13. I got so many laughs from this entry! :-D I love this piece, but I love tiny cars, too. Especially the ones that don't use gasoline. Alas, my family of three has 2 average-sized cars and a pickup truck, all gas-powered. The two guys are a little over 6' tall, and I am 5' tall. My car gets excellent gas mileage, likely because I drive it carefully to achieve the best mileage I can. Meanwhile, all of us are regularly human in makeup.

    One of our neighbors has a tiny car. He is taller than I, but not as tall as son and hubby, and he's heftier than any of us. I haven't watched him exit the car, but I've seen him driving it. I've seen his head over the dash, and his human hands on the wheel, but can't answer for anything else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you laughed. I wasn't sure about this one going in.

      Keep your eyes on that neighbor. He could be a little person in a big-person costume.

      Delete
  14. AT LAST! Something as small as me!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is your head average-sized?

      I just want to make it known that I welcome our invading overloards and will not make fun of your cars or diminutive size.

      If you are one of them, that is.

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. You're the first one to bring up clowns.

      As though the small car thing couldn't scare me any more than it does already, you've gone and brought clowns into it.

      Yes, it's probably a clown invasion.

      Delete
  16. If you're a real man living in Texas, you drive a full sized Pickup made in America. I have two full sized pickups, one is now officially a Classic (20 years old, still running) a 97 Chevy Silverado) with an old fashioned extended cab (you have to crawl in behind the front seat) The other is a Ford 150 extended cab with rear suicide doors. An additional requirement is a gun rack carrying a rifle of shotgun. Unfortunately I am somewhat unmanned because my "Assault Rifle", brand new right out of the box, Chinese SKS with a 30 round magazine, was borrowed by some thief who disremember to return it. Now that we have a new president I guess I'll have to spent a little money for my own protection as well as defend our great state from (no offense please), from those "long haired hippy type pinko fags". I borrowed that from Charlie Daniels. Charlie has become somewhat senile of late, because he has because he has morphed into a Thrumpet.

    Unlike the Kinster, the Donald doesn't mock racists. You can bet your bottom dollar that the Donald believes what Kinky, or is it Harry sings in this song "They ain't makin jews like Jesus anymore" Give it a listen with the lyrics

    http://www.metrolyrics.com/they-aint-makin-jews-like-jesus-anymore-lyrics-kinky-friedman.html

    I reckon I'll have man up get me another assault rifle and become a Born Again Texas Man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like trucks. I had a mid-sized truck (rear wheel drive) when I was going to law school up in the snowy north, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, though.

      I'm generally too much of a redneck for the white collar crowd and too white collar for the redneck crowd. I'm okay with that.

      Delete
  17. I drive a Rav 4. I have to admit, when I see these smaller cars around, I think they shouldn't be on the road! The only place I thought it was appropriate, was when I was in Europe. Italy, etc. Those cars were appropriate for the stone streets!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While I imagine I might be able to get accustomed to driving on the freeway, between 18-wheelers, in such a vehicle, it seems really scary.

      Everybody keeps bringing up Europe, though, where I guess they smaller cars are the norm.

      Delete
  18. I had an MGA a hundred years ago, loved driving that thing, today I'm nervous in anything that is not at least two feet off the ground.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dad had a 1973 FIAT Spider for a while. It was a little scary.

      I loved parallel parking with a truck. i could go up the curb, down the curb. Whatever. With my current car, I'm lower than most curbs.

      Delete
  19. One of my son's ex-girlfriends drove one of those tiny Smart Cars. Got a chance to look inside the thing and instantly realized there no earthly way for me drive it. Truthfully, not sure how that girl folded herself to get inside herself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never been in a car like that. Those things look taller than they are long.

      Delete
  20. It's good you can't see the really small cars.
    Because they're really small.. They would bother you.. No really.
    Be glad you can't see them at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no. Now you've got me thinking about them, and I believe I'm even MORE afraid of the ones that I cannot see...

      They're out there!

      Delete
  21. They have to be aliens driving those things...I mean, there's no room to carry your groceries home in them...these creatures don't eat...at least...not grocery store food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they're abducting people and then eating them, at least we know they're not storing the bodies in the trunks of their cars...

      Delete