So there’s this girl.
There’s always a girl – isn’t there? – though
God knows why, at this point.
This girl wears red pants. Every other
Friday, the red pants. Like clockwork, which is a ridiculous simile, clockwork
having no need for pants.
Why did I say that? I will delete it, surely,
before I post this.
This girl – this woman, really – wears the
pants to highlight what she believes to be her best attribute, but she is
wrong. Her best attribute has nothing to do with pants because her best attribute
is her nose. An Aztec nose, I believe, with hardly a break in its slope down from the forehead for the
tiny divot between the eyes.
I talk with her sometimes, though never on a Friday of the Red Pants.
I try to view her in profile but this proves surprisingly
difficult and involves much pointing at distant objects.
She was born on the day I graduated high
school and if I had three hundred pictures of her, I would make her into one of my blog
characters.
Watch it or she'll sacrifice you to Huitzilopochtli.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that might actually be more preferable than the aftermath of other interactions with women in my life in recent years.
DeleteYou too, huh?
DeleteI've reached the point where I've literally begun turning down women who make advances. Because I am terrified of getting my heart broken again.
I hear that, Bill.
DeleteMy problem is that my relationships have all followed the same arc for so long that I can see the middle and the ending before the beginning has kicked in.
DeleteWell, that and I've interviewed family clients about their failed relationships for 18 years now. The relationship arc is not specific to me.
This must be what it's like to be a god and see people's lives from outside of time.
I think you owe it to this world to write a novel about this girl called "Clockwork Has No Need for Pants". I will proudly buy the first copy.
ReplyDeleteThe front cover would have to make it looks serious and stuffy, though.
Delete"Clockwork Has No Pants is a major literary achievement that captures the essence of the human experience." - Philip Roth
"I really enjoyed this novel, because my publisher makes me hand out blurbs like they're candy." - Stephen King
Delete"Don't I have people to write these things for me? Like with my books?" James Patterson
"This was a spectacular novel that was please send help they locked me in a cellar and force me to keep writing Harry Potter novels until my fingers bleed." - J.K. Rowling
Haha. I am no longer sure how many horror books I've read with a Stephen King quote on the front that reads "He's better than me now."
DeleteMaybe that was just during my Clive Barker phase.
That's quite the nose indeed. It's weird, big noses look kinda out of place on most faces, yet they also give off that strong sense of presence as if they just know they belong there.
ReplyDeleteI would have liked to have had an actual picture of the woman in question for this post, but I couldn't think of a reasonable excuse for getting such a picture.
DeleteBut yes, whenever I see such a great and large nose, it always seems like it ought to be carved on the side of a mountain or something.
No, no, you're looking at it all wrong. The mountain *is* the nose. The rest of the face is buried.
DeleteThat would be one intimidating woman.
DeleteI know exactly what you mean. I was waiting in line at a bank once and one of the tellers was a young man with a PERFECT Roman nose. Gawd, I couldn't take my eyes off him. He needed to be photographed so badly. He was gorgeous. I tried to be discreet so as not to creep him out. "Why is that old lady staring at me?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love this line: "Why did I say that? I will delete it, surely, before I post this."
Yes! I figure women have enough creepy guys leering at them and don't need another. I might overcompensate at times, in fact. But I'd like to believe I'm not one of those guys... although I guess this very blog post might indicate that I am.
Deleteindeed it might. but whose counting?
DeleteI promised myself I would not attempt to come across on this page as wiser or less creepy than I actually am. So far so good.
DeleteDo you stay away from women who could potentially devour you?
ReplyDeleteOf the women I've met in the last several years the one I adore the most was born the year after I got out of college and it is an exercise in self-discipline not be a creep. Her nose is really cute and it allows her to breathe freely.
ReplyDeleteHahaha...
DeleteHaving written as a woman for a number of years, I have been able to witness first hand what guys do, online at least. I try and avoid it.
When you say pants I'm assuming you mean trousers? Although red knickers may also have shown off her bum nicely too. Okay now I'm sounding like a pervert.
ReplyDeleteWhen I typed "pants", I actually considered the fact that you and Mark (at least) would interpret that as underwear.
DeleteWhich would really spin this whole post in a different direction.
I don't know anything about her knickers. Just her trousers.
The girl with the Aztec nose. It sounds like a good title for a book.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether she has a dragon tattoo.
DeleteShe could.
I'm sure I'd love her as a blog character.
ReplyDeleteI knew a guy with an Aztec nose. He absolutely hated it.
Ha. It's a lifelong learning process, coming to love what makes us different, right? I hope he came to terms with it eventually!
DeleteHe said it was because people in his country looked down on you if you had that kind of nose. It meant you were supposed to be part of the underclass. Ironic, since I've heard it evolved as a sign of being part of the upperclass originally.
DeleteI generally notice the pants before the nose, but I do hate the "perfect nose".
ReplyDeleteToo often, I don't look up from staring at my feet, so it's remarkable that I noticed either in this case.
DeleteI would like to know more about her. I have never heard anyone comment about someone's nose! That Goddess statue is very cool looking!
ReplyDeleteThanks. It's good to see that I am already getting back to writing about topics that defy reason.
DeletePictures of the pants. We need to see them to judge for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteHa! If I can concoct a reason to take pictures, i will post pics of the nose and the pants both.
DeleteYou and Gogol can keep her nose. I want the red pants. Red rocks...
ReplyDeleteRed clothes, especially in what is otherwise a fairly business-like environment, definitely has a psychological effect, although I am unable to explain what that effect is.
DeleteShe was born on the day I graduated high school...
ReplyDeleteA few weeks after I returned home from serving in the army I struck up a conversation on a beach with a very attractive lady I truly thought was close to my age. By the way, yes, I do mean she was significantly developed in the female attributes. My high school age cousin comes up to me a few minutes after I walked away from the girl to tell me he had an English class with her. At first I thought my cousin was pulling my leg but it was confirmed when he walked up to her to talk about their teacher. I felt both sick and severely creepy with myself.
Although I'm not sure it was a scientific study, I read an article recently about who men tend to be attracted to compared with who women tend to be attracted to as they age.
DeleteAs women age, they tend to be attracted to older and older men.
Men tend to be attracted to 21-year olds, regardless of the man's age.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2751179/Are-girl-22-Then-don-t-bother-online-dating-Alarming-graph-shows-ages-attractive-opposite-sex.html